The Case of the stolen wallet
by PJ
This is a true story

I was falsely accused today.

Yep!! The attendance secretary emailed me:

Her: Did you lose something?

Me: What did you find? My head?

Her: A black bag.

Me: I'm fairly certain the only black bag I have here today is safely stashed in my office.

Her: Well I have one here. It's big; it's black; it looks like you.

Me: Okay. I may be crazy. I'll come see if it's mine.

And...it wasn't. It was big and black, and I liked it a lot, but it wasn't mine. So we checked for I.D. and I delivered it to the owner in her classroom. I'm nice like that.

It made me remember another time someone tried to return something to me. Circa 1985. We'd just come home from church on Sunday about noon.

The phone rang.

Our city's police department: (After verifying my name and my husband's name) Ma'am, have you been robbed?

Me: No. I don't think so.

Police: We have your husband's wallet here. Are you missing anything else in your house?

Me: (To my husband) Have we been robbed? Are we missing anything? The police have your wallet.

Hubby: My wallet?

Me: Yes. You don't have it do you?

Hubby: Huh? (Searching his pockets and the top of the dresser.) No.

Police: I have the wallet, Ma'am. Are you missing anything else?

Me: (To hubby) Are we missing anything else?

Me: (To Police) I'm looking around. (I had a cordless phone...It was the 80's. We were with it with our cordless phone. Just not with his wallet.)

Hubby: (Joining the search without a cordless phone to his ear.) I don't think we're missing anything besides my wallet.

Police: (to me, on the cordless phone) We arrested a woman at the mall today with your husband's wallet. Have you been to the mall today?

Me: No. We just came from church today. We've only been to church.

Me: (To Hubby) Where did last have your wallet? Where did you leave it?

Hubby: (Frantically searching for anything else that might be missing.)

[That's harder than it sounds. Try looking for something that is missing when you don't know what is missing or when it might have left. Okay. Never mind. It isn't a skill you'll likely be needing soon.]

Police: Were you at the mall yesterday?

Me: Yesterday? Oh. Yes. We were at the mall yesterday.

Hubby: (Suddenly, remembering.) (to me) I gave you my wallet yesterday to put in your purse. When we ate at the buffet.

Me: (To cop) Yes. I had his wallet in my purse at the buffet.

Police: Where did you put your purse while you were eating.

Me: I hung it on the back of my chair.

Police: Not a good idea. This lady grabbed it out of your purse while you were eating. She lifted several others that same day.

Me: (To hubby) No one broke in here. She stole it while we were eating at the buffet yesterday.

(We're both terribly relieved and stop looking for other stolen things. Like the 15 year old toaster. It's there. So are the Target lamps in the living room. Our stereo sound system from 1976 is right there in the living room. Stereo Components. And his LP collection. All present and accounted for. Very with it.)

Police: She says her name is Barbara [our last name]. And that [my husband] is her husband.

Me: Can't be. I'm his wife. And my name is PJ.

Police: Do you know a Barbara [name]?

Me: No. We don't.

Police: Can you and your husband come to the police station and identify the stolen property?

Me: Sure. We'll be right there. (To identify the wallet we didn't even know was missing.)

But today? Nope! My bag was NOT missing.